My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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