I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
they need to just BURY HIM!
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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