Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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