You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
