Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
