I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
