I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
