dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
