Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
