he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
