oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
