This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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