I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
