I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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