i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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