Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We are all done wearing pants today
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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