Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
