Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
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