dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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