i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
