I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
