You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
