saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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