I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
