Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
