just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
