just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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