They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
