JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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