U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
