I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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