I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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