Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
