my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Sext me about skeletons
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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