Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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