your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
