My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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