too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
