god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
