He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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