Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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