The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
