I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
