Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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