What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
