I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I fill condoms, not promises.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
