Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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