so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
