I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
