We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
This house was built for laser tag.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
