he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
smell my finger.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
